i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
