Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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