I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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