You smell like stripper and shame
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
