The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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