Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
