I met the friendliest cop last night
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
