Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
