when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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