Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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