I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
