I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
