if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
