cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
