I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
