Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
