Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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