So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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