Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
