Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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