Im at strip club and am horny
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
