The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
