he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
