He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
