Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
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Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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