Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
