Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
