i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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