Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
