Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
