she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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