I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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