Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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