We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
