I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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