You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
