dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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