Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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