i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
