Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
