I wish my penis had an off switch
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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