I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My balls are so social today.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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