So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
