he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
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i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
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I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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