I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
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Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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