i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
