What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
