Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
