good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I could make wine with my vomit
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
