dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
