**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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