I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
