He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My liver is preforming stress tests.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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