I wannas sexs uuuuu
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
