would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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