You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
