I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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