How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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