I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
