evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
