Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
