I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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